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THE MINOR DRAMA. 

No. XXXiV. 



WHO SPEAKS FIRST? 

'21 Javcc 

IN ONE ACT. 

BY CHARLES DANCE. 

w 



WITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST OF CHARACTERS, 
COSTUMES, RELATIVE POSITIONS, ETC. 



PUBLISHED BY 

M. DOUGLAS, No. 11 SPRUCE STPvEET, 

NEW YORK. 

1850. 



I 



D'^^^ 






EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. 

This very elegant little piece has become a standard favorite 
throughout the Union, and a source of reputation and profit to 
all who have assisted at its representations, whether as auditors 
or actors. Its moral is good, and its language and situations 
amusing and instructive. Its being from the pen of that 
indefatigable dramatist. Dance, is guarantee sufficient for 
what we may say of its merits. " Who Speaks First " was 
originally produced at Madame Vestris' Lyceum, Mr. Charles 
Mathews playing the hero. In New York it has been suc- 
cessively and successfully performed at Mitchell's Olympic, 
Burton's, Chanfrau's National, and the Broadway Theatres. 

Mr. Nickinson, (at the Olympic,) has, in Captain Charles, 
added another to his long list of original characters, while hia 
fair and popular daughter Charlotte has created no little sensa- 
tion — both in New York, Boston, and Albany — by her naive 
performance of Smart. At the National Mr. Huld was the 
Captain, and at Burton's and the Broadway our Brother George 
was personated by Mr. George Jordan, a young gentleman 
destined, at no very distant period, to become one of the best 
light comedians on the stage. Our limits prevent our doing 
justice to all the artistes we have seen in this clever trifle, but 
we can and do honestly recommend it to all the lovers of the 
light and amusing class of dramas, as the best farce of the 
season. N. R. G. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS* 

I/yceum, 1849. Olympic, 1849. Broadway, 1849. 

Captain Charles Mr. C. Mathews. Mr. Nickinson. Mr. Lester. 

Ernest Militant " R. Roxby. " Palmer. " Dyott. 

Potter " Meadows. " Stafford. " Matthews. 

Mra. Militant Mrs. Yates. Miss C. Roberts Miss F. AValfcftk. 

Smart Miss Marshall. " Nickinson. Mrs. Watts. 



COSTUMES. 

The Costumes are those of the present day."! 



EXITS AND ENTRANCES. 

R. means Right ; L. Left ; R. D. Right Door ; L, D. Left Door ; 
S. B. Second Entrance ; U. E. Upper Entrnnce; M. D. Middle Door. 



RELATIVE POSITIONS. > 

R. means Right; L. Left; 0. Centre; R. 0. Right qf Centre; 
L. C. Left of Centre. 



s^ 



WHO SPEAKS FIRST? 



ACT I. 

Scene I. — The drawing room of a country house. — Ziarge 
folding doors in c. ; at back, open lawn and view of the 
country beyond. — Doors on r. and l. leading to inner 
rooms : on one side, a table, with drawing materials ; on 
the other, a work table with embroidery frame, 8fc. 

Mr. Militant discovered at drawing table l., drawing — 
Mrs. Militant engaged at work table b. — their backs 
are towards each other. 

Mrs. M. What a blessing it is to be able to hold one's 
tongue : and what a comfort to feel that, in that particular, 
I am an exception to the general rule of my sex ! I mean 
that odious, unjust and false rule, which those beautiful 
lox'ds of creation are pleased to say belong exclusively 
to us. They must surely forget that there are such things 
as newspapers — when we see that they never meet 
without talking till they are obliged to cough one another 
down. Oh, how often I wish to be there, if it were only 
just to tell them of it! Lords of the creation indeed! 
lords of their own creation ! There sits my beautifnl lord, 
thinking himself, no doubt, mighty wise, and flattering 
himself that I shall be the first to break the bargain of 
silence we have made. How little does the gentleman 
know of the woman he has married ; but that's a common 
case. Why I could sit here for a month without once 
opening my lips. 

Mr. M. Who would have credited that my Vf'iie, or 



8 WHO SPEAKS riRST. [Act I. 

indeed any man's wife, could have held her tongue 
for a week 1 and yet she has, she actually has. It's a 
wonderful fact in modern history. 

Mrs. M. I don't call talking to one's self talking ; it'3 
merely thinking aloud — and relief of some sort, one must 
have. 

Mil. Starving a garrison is better than storming a 
fortress ; you gain your object, without endangering your 
life. In that, as in many other things, time stands your 
friend. 

Mrs. M. Perseverance in a man is obstinacy, I pre- 
sume, in a woman — for we — heaven help us! have 
ever the worst of it. No matter, no matter — obstinacy 
or perseverance, I think I know who will be tired 
first. 

Mil. A man hungers for knowledge and thirsts for infor- 
mation ; but the pangs of those are nothing compared to 
a woman craving for conversation. She won't be able 
to stand it much longer, and then she will open her beak 
like a young black-bird. 

Mrs. M. "On human actions, reason though you can. 
It may be reason, but it is not man." 

Mil. " I am ashamed that women are so simple 
To offer war where they should kneel for peace. 
Or seek for rule, supremacy and sway, 
When they are bound to serve, love and obey." 

Mrs. M. [Looking round.] He's not looking this way, 
I'll take a peep at what he's doing. 

[Militant coughs — she resumes her work. 

Mil. [Looking round.] She seems uncommonly busy ; 
I should like to see what she is about. 

[Ij[e rises gently and edges towards her table ; she 
does the same towards his. They meet half ivay, 
and, without seeing, touch each other — both start, 
ejaculate, and bounce off- — Mrs. Militant l., Mr. 
Militant r. 

Potter puts his head out from door r. / Smart puts her 
head in from door, l. 

Pot. (r. c.) [Angrily.] Is that you, Smart ? Is it possi- 
ble 1 



ScEpa I.] WHO SPEAKS FIRST. 9 

Smart, (l. c.) You may well say that. 

Pot. [Coming fortvard.\ Come here this moment, and 
toll me why you were peeping from behind that door. 

Smart. I Avas looking at you. 

Pot. [Relaxing?[ At me ! At me ! Were you looking 
at me? [^AZi^c] Can I believe my senses? \ Aloud, aiid 
approacliing hcr.^ Is that true, you little rogue ? 

Smart. Perfectly true, Mr. Potter. 

Pot. Don't say Mr. Potter. 

Smart. Well, then — perfectly true, old Potter. 

Pot. Don't say old Potter. 

Smart. Perfectly true, young Potter. 

Pot. Well, well, say what you like. But tell me, why- 
were you looking at me ? 

Smart. I'm ashamed. 

Pot. There's nothing to be ashamed of. 

Sf?iart. Nothing to be ashamed of, when a sei'vant is 
detected prying into the private affairs of his master and 
misti'ess 1 

Pot. Well, that was certainly wrong, but still — 

Smart. Oh ! don't attempt to excuse it ; you've owned 
it was wrong, and now never let me catch you doing 
such a thing again — 

Pot. Me ! Catch me ? Why, I caught you. 

Smart. For if you do, I shall be compelled, however 
painful it may be to betray a fellow servant, to show 
you up — in short — 

Pot. Well, I never ! You certainly have your full 
share of assurance. Now come here ; I don't want to 
be angry with you, but havn't 1 often told you that you 
must not listen in this way. 

Smart. And yet you continue to do it. 

Pot. Now how can you say so ? I havn't heard one 
word they said. 

Smart. That's not for the want of trying, but only 
because you're a little deaf. 

Pot. Did you hear ? 

Smart, Every word. 

Pot. What did they say to one another? •• 

Smart. Nothing to one another — they were talking to 
themselves, at least, so I judge from what master said- 
mistress was on your side of the house. 



10 WHO SPEAKS FIRST. [Act I. 

Capxain Charles appears at the c. entrance, from the 
lawn, he is dressed in a frock coat, wears moustachios, 
and a wig different in color from his natural hair. He 
carries a carpet bag in his hand. 

Cap. (c.) Some signs of living beings at last. 

[Potter and Smart start. 

Tot. (r.) Bless me ! A stranger. 

Cap. (c.) Don't be alarmed at me ; I don't bite. 

Smart, (l.) Who did you please to want, sir? 

Cap. Oh ! anybody ; only 1 could find nobody. There 
was nobody at the lodge gate, so I walked through — 
nobody in the grounds, so I walked on — nobody at the 
window, so I walked in — and now, after all that walking, 
if you'll take my bag, I'll take a chair. 

[He holds his hag towards Potter. 

Smart. [ Taking it.\ Allow me, sir, [Aside, and examin- 
ing the bag.] No name upon it, I declare. [Aloud.] Don't 
you think it a bad plan, sir, not to have your name and 
address on your carpet bag. 

Cap. For those who wish to find out who 1 am, verj/. 

Pot. [Aside.] Egad, he's a match for her, if I'm not. 

Smart. If you will oblige me with one of your cards, 
I'll sew it on. 

Cap. When I do, you sJiall. But there's no huiTy, I 
shall most likely stay here some time. 

Smart. A friend of master's, sir ? 

Cap. I hope to prove so. 

Pot. Of my mistress then, sir ] 

Cap. I'm a friend of the whole family. 

Smart. They have only been married four months, sir. 

Cap. And so there can't be any family. Come, that's 
pretty smart. 

Synart. [Aside.] Pretty Smart ! I declare, he knows 
my name. 

Pot. Will you favor me with your name, sir ? 

Cap. Charles, Potter. 

Pot. Potter is my name, sir. 

Cap. I know it, and mine is Captain Charles. Are 
your master and mistress at home ? 

Pot. Yes, sir. Which shall I take your name to 1 

Cap. Both. I wish to see them together. [Sits c. 



Scene 1] 



WHO SPEAKS FIRST. 11 



Smart. Ah, sir, so do we. But I fear we' shall never 
see them together. 

Pot. What are you saying. Smart ? All she means to 
say is this — 

Smart. Take care what you're about, Mr. Potter — 
don't you be letting out the secrets of the family. If 
master and mistress don't agree, what have strangers to 
do with it ? 

Cap. [Aside.^ The report I have heard, then, is true. 
I'm glad I've done as 1 have. [Aloud.] Come, you need 
have no secrets from me. I am a sincere friend of both 
paities, and may be of service. 

Pot. I'm sure, sir, if I thought that — but you see it*s 
very awkward — we don't know who or what you are. 

Cap. I'm a gentleman. 

Pot. Well, 1 must say you look like one ; but, la, sir, 
good clothes are no proofs now-a-days. 

Cap. I'll offer better. [To Potter.] Did a snob ever 
give you a five pound note 1 

Pot. No, sir ; nor a gentleman neither. 

Cap. If I give you one, what will you say I am I 

Pot. A real gentleman. 

Cap. There, then. [Holding one to him — 7ie takes if. 

Smart. Stop, Mr. Potter. If you think it right to trust 
this gentleman, do so, but never accept a bribe for doing 
your duty. [ Takes the note out of his hand. 

Cap. Nay ^ I gave the money to him. 

Smart. It's all right, sir. I'll put it in the savings' 
bank for him. [Puts it in her pocket. 

Cap. [To Potter.] Well, never mind — tell me the 
truth, assist me, and you shall have another. Mr. and 
Mrs. Militant don't agree ? 

Pot. I fear not, sir. 

Cap. What do they quarrel about ? 

Smart. Straws. 

Cap. I'm glad to hear it, for then there's nothing 
serious. 

Smart. It's so serious as this — they havn't spoken for 
the last week. 

Cap. So much the better — they can't have quarrelled 
during that time. 

Pot. No, sir, no ; but it's terrible to see married people 



12 WHO SPEAKS FIRST. 



[Act I, 



on such terms. [Looking at Smart.] I'm sure if I had a 
nice little wife — 

Smart. Do be quiet, you silly old man ! 

Pot. I will not. I'm sure this gentleman means well, 
and I will up and tell him all. They have made an 
agreement, and by listening, I am ashamed to say, at the 
door — 

Smart. He has discovered what it is, sir. 

Pot. [Astonished.] 1% 

Cap. Come, come — the agreement. 

Pot. Well, sir, it's this. Whoever speaks to the other 
first, is to own to having been in the wrong, to apologize 
to the other, and to give way for the future. 

Cap. And which do you think suffers most from this 
agreement 1 

Smart. Well, sir, I don't think that either of them like 
it ; but it's scarcely a fair one, for mistress, you know, is 
a lady, and it falls uncommon hard upon her. 

Cap. I understand. Now, do you go to your master 
and say Captain Charles has called, and then leave us 
together. [To Smart,] But mind, no listening, or I may 
chance to take that note out of the savings' bank. 

Smart. Do you hear, old Potter, no listening, or I'm 
to keep the money. 

Cap. Stay ! — you must promise me to keep my secret 
better than you have kept your master's. 

Both. You may depend on us, sir. 

Cap. Give me your hand upon it, old Potter. {^Potter 
does so.] And your's. 

Smart. La, sir ! [Gives Tier hand.] What a nice unproud 
gentleman. 

Re-enter Militant, door l. — Smart screams, and runs 
off, L. 

Mil. Potter, what does this mean 1 

Cap. [To Potter.] Hold your tongue, and leave the 
room. [Exit Potter, r. 

Mil. Pray, sir, may I ask who it is I have the honor of 
addressing? 

Cap. Honor it is not — pleasure I hope it will be. My 
name is Captain Charles. I am an old friend of your 
wife. 



Scene I.] WHO SPEAKS FIRST. 13 

Mil. And of my servants seemingly. 

Caj}. Well, that's partly true. But you are astonished 
&t seeing me shake hands with them. Bless your heart, 
after gas, steam, railroads, and electric lights, it is time to 
leave off being astonished at trifles such as that. I have 
been abroad fifteen years, and have learned to become 
a citizen of the world. I was only fraternizing. 

Mil. Have you seen Mrs. Militant, sir ] 

Caj). Not yet. As I know she'll be delighted to see 
me, I could not deny you the pleasure of presenting me 

Mil. Me, sir ! me 1 

Cap. Aye, to be sure, [^l^ic^c] I knew he dared not, 
or I would not have asked him. [Aloud.] Who so fit? 
You can't have done with delicate attentions yet ; you've 
only been married four months. 

Mil. Quite time enough to leave olF all such nonsense. 
People come to their senses when they marry. 

Cap. Do you think so ] I don't think Mrs. Militant 
agrees with you — 

Mil. [Jnierruptifig.] What, sir? 

Cap. Upon that point. Ladies like delicate attentions 
after marriage as well as before. 

Mil. Then they should study to deserve them. 

Cap. Quite right — so they should. Doesn't she 1 

Bill. Did I assert anything of the kind, sir ? 

Cap. Certainly not. But 7 say doesn't she ? 

Mil. Pray, sir, by what right do you ask these ques- 
tions ? 

Cap. By the rights of humanity. Come, come, you 
mustn't be angry with me. Pm an odd fellow — but I 
take great interest in you on account of your wife. 

Mil. You're very kind, Pm sure. 

Cap. I wish to prove so. To the point, then. You 
are not on the terras you ought to be. 

Mil. You know this 1 

Cap. I do. 

Mil.- From m}* servants, I presume. 

Cap, From yourself. Come., there's no use in deny- 
ing. You would like to be on more comfortable terms 
with her, would not you 1 

Mil. [Aside.] Hang the fellow, he worms it out of one 
m spite of one's self. [Aloud.] Why, of course. 



14 WHO SPEAKS FIRST. [Act J. 

Cap. That's right, I knew you would. The fact is, 
she had parents who, though excellent people, indulged 
her too much in her youth, and when people have had 
their own way for twenty years they don't relish giving it 
up. Had you married her at seventeen, you might have 
moulded her to anything. 

Mil. I have only known her a twelve-month. 

Cap. An excellent reason for not marrying her before. 
Will you be guided by me ? 

Mil. I don't know what it is that makes me say so, 
but I will. 

Cap. Come, then, you shall go with me to her-— you 
shall say — 

Mil. No, I can't say that. 

Cap. You don't know what it is. 

Mil. No — but I can't say anything. 

Cap. Very well, thenj you shan't. She shall make the 
first advance. Now, go along into your room, and I'll 
have a talk with your wife. 

Mil. [Going-^returns.] You'll be good enough to re- 
member that she is my wife. 

Cap. Never fear me. 

Mil. What have I to trust to 1 

Cap. The word and honor of an officer and a gentle- 
man. 

Mil. Something whispers me that I may trust you. 
[Going — returns.] But remember, no concessions. 

Cap. Trust me, and vanish. [Exit Militant, l. — Smart 
peeps in door l. — Charles sees her.] Ah ! ah ! Didn't I tell 
you that I would have no listening. 

Smart. But I wasn't listening. 

Cap. No — what were you doing, then t 

Smart. I was looking at you, and saying to myself what 
a fine looking gentleman you was. 

Cap. Oh! stuff and nonsense. 

Smart. It's truth I'm telhng you, Besides, I was 
watching Potter — there's no dependance on that "old 
man, and it's absolutely necessary to watch him. 

Cap. Go along, you jade, and tell your mistress that 
a very old friend wishes for the pleasure of seeing 
her. 

Smart. I didn't quite catch your name, sir? 



ScENB I.] WHO SPEAKS FIRST. 15 

Cap. Then you can't tell it. Say a very old friend- 
that s enough. 

Smart. [Aside:\ It may be enough for you, but it's not 
ior mo; so 1 must try a little more listening. 

n Tr 1 f^^^^ Smart to Mrs. Militant'. i room, r. 

(uap If the lady prove as intractable as the gentle- 
man. I shall have a difficult job. But my cause is I good 
one — she comes. ° 

Enter Mrs. Militant, K.-^Captain hows— she curtseys. 
_ Mrs. M. Some mistake, sir, I presume. My maid 
mformed me that an old friend of mine wished to see me 
i^op. A mistake, madam, and yet no mistake. A friend 
Ot your husband may, I trust, without presumption, claim 
to be reckoned among the number of yours 
_ Mrs. M. My husband is, I believe, in his own rooms 
sir; with your leave I will send my maid to inform him 
that you are here. \Goin^ L 

Cap. Nay; pray do not leave the room. I ''have 
already seen my friend Militant, and it is by his request 
or rather with his leave, that I pay my respects to you! 

Mrs. M. Your name, sir, is ? — 

Cap. Charles, madam. Captain Charles, of the In- 
fantry. I have been many years abroad— have but just 
returned— and hearing that one in whom I take a great 
interest was recently married, I came to pass a few days 
here, and offer my congratulations. 

Mrs. M Marriage, sir, is not always a subject of con- 
gratulation. '' 

_ Cap. No— and, to be frank with you, I fear that yours 
is not. •' 

Mrs. M. Really, sir, these remarks from a stranger— 
Cap. Would be very impertinent— but from an old 
inend — 

Mrs. M. Of my husband, remember ! 

Cap. Man and wife are one— a friend to one is a 
Iriend to the other— and I am most anxious to be so 
acknowledged by both. 

_ Mrs. M. Your manners, sir, I must admit, are very 
kind— your intentions, doubtless, good— but I entreat 
you^will spare me the pain of this discussion. 

Cap. In anything else I should be dehghted to oblige 



16 WHO SPEAKS FIRST. I[Acx I 

you, but there you really must excuse me. Permit me to 
offer you a chaii". [Brings two, and places one for her, 

Mrs. M. [Impatiently.^ 1 had rather not sit down, sir. 

Cap. May I entreat you ? Five minutes only, to 
oblige an old friend — of your husband's. 

Mrs. M. [Aside.l I never met with such a provoking 
man as this ; there's no getting away from him. 

[Sits down. 

Cap. Thank you ! thank you ! How very amiable 
you are. 

[Sits down, looTis ea,rnestly at her, and falls into a 
reverie. 

Mrs. M. [After a pause.] Well, sir ! 

Cap. Charlotte ! 

Mrs. M. [Jumping up.] Charlotte, sir ! 

Cap. I beg your pardon. 

Mrs. M. And well you may. 

Cap. What's the matter 1 

Mrs. M. Charlotte, sir, is my Christian name. 

Cap. Pray sit down again, madam. I've no doubt it 
is — in fact, it must be — for, when I was talking these 
matters over with your husband, " Charlotte and I," said 
he— 

Mrs. M. [Sitting down.] I have no wish to hear what 
my husband said. 

Cap. Then you shan't. — But listen to what I say. 
Your father and mother were excellent people, but, un- 
fortunately, you lost them both. 

Mrs. M. If you. could find anything but painful subjects 
to talk about I should be better pleased. 

Cap. You were an only daughter, and by over indul- 
gence they spoiled you. 

Mrs. M. Not a word against my pai'ents, if you please. 

Cap. By no means. It was an amiable weakness — but 
still it was a weakness. 

Mrs. M. I don't agree with you. 

Cap. Then it was not. You were headstrong — 

Mrs. M. [Rising.] Sir! 

Cajj. But kind-hearted. 

Mrs. M. Oh 1 [Sits again. 

Cap. Of a hasty tempei". 

Mrs. M. [Rising.] Sir ! 



ScEXE I.] WHO SPEAKS FIRST. 17 

Cap. But generous and forgiving. 

Mrs. M. Oh! [Sits again. 

Ca2>. In short, a kind word could lead you, though a 
harsh one failed to drive you. 

Mrs. M. You're very kind. 

Caj). Being a lady of great personal accomplishments 
— \^]SIrs. Militant boios.^ — you found it hard to give up 
your own way, to which you had been so long accustomed, 
and hence these little difficulties with your husband — 

Mrs. M. Little difficulties ! — little difficulties ! You 
little know what you're talking about. 

Cap. I'm sure I don't wish to undervalue them. My 
merit will be the more if I help you to surmount them. 
We'll say great difficulties. 

Mrs. M. Great ! They're monstrous ! 

Cap. Your husband isn't one. 

Mrs. M. I don't know that. 

Cap. Well, but I do. Your husband is a very good 
fellow, though I say it. 

Mrs. M. [Pettishly.] 1 dare say you think so. 

Cap. He laments, day and night, the coolness that 
exists between you. 

Mrs. M. [Softening.] I wish I was sure of that. 

Cap. And he loves you deeply and sincerely. 

Mrs. M. [Anxiousli/.] Did he tell you so 1 

Cap. If he did, I'm not going to tell you. My object is 
to gain confidence — not to betray il. Now how stands 
the account on your side ] You hate him. 

Mrs. M. It's false ! 

Cap. I'm glad to hear it. You're angry with him. 

Mrs. 31. Often — [Checking herself.] — that is, some- 
times. 

Cap. You're vexed by him. 

Mrs. M. Frequently — constantly. 

Cap. Now, what for 1 

Mrs. M. Oh ! a thousand things. 

Cap. We meet in this world with a thousand things 
that don't signify, to one that does — tell me that one. 

Mrs. BI. I could tell you twenty. 

Cap. Go on. 

Mrs. M. Stop ! Are you married ? 

Cap. No. 



18 WHO SPEAKS FIRST. [AcT I. 

Mrs. M. Then you're not a fit judge. 

Cap. I ask your pardon — I am the ra^ie impartial 

Mrs. M. [Aside] Tiresome man ! [Aloud.] Well, then, 
to begin with the morning. I have a horror of being 
down stairs before nine, and he insists on breakfasting at 
eight. 

Cap. Showing, thereby, his affectionate solicitude for 
your health. 

Mrs. M. No doubt. After breakfast, when I wish to 
be at work in my own room, nothing must satisfy him 
but I must go into the drawing-room to play and to sing 
to him. 

Cap. Proving distinctly that his greatest delight is to 
have no other society then the wife of his choice, 

Mrs. M. Indeed ! Then I should be glad to know 
why I am never allowed to say " not at home," when 
people call ] 

Cap. Because he is so fond of you that he can't bear 
to lose an opportunity of parading you before his friends. 

Mrs. M. [Aside.] This man is like a dressmaker who 
sends you home a gown full of faults, and when she 
comes to try it on, so pulls and fidgets it about that they 
all seem, for the moment, to have disappeared. 

Cap. Go on, madam ; I am all attention. 

Mrs. M. [Rising.] Sir, I have not another word to say, 
except to admire the cleverness with which you make 
the worse the better cause, and to lament that your 
country, in gaining, perhaps, an indifferent soldier- 
Cop. Madam ! 

Mrs. M. Should have lost a first-rate lawyer. 

[ Curtseys. 

Cap. I'm glad, you think so — you will have the less 
hesitation in placing your cause into my hands. You 
shall go with me to your husband, and you shall say to 
him — 

Mrs. M. That I certainly will not. 

Cap. I havn't told you what it is. 

Mrs. M. I shall not say it, whatever it is. 
' Cap. Why not ? 

Mrs. M.. No matter — I have a reason. 

Cap. [Aside.] I know you have, [Aloud.] Well, I must 
manage as well as I can. You ought to be happy to- 



SCBNE I.] 



WHO SPEAKS FIRST. 19 



gether, and, somehow or another, I'll contrive to make 
you so. 

Mrs. 31. It is impossible, sir, not to be grateful for 
your kind intentions, but I fear you will not succeed. 

Cap. If you fear failure you wish success, and that will 
help me to ensure it, 

Mrs. M. Very likely — but 1 won't speak. 

Cap. I won't ask you. I'll speak for you, but I will 
say those things to which your heart responds ; for, spite 
of a little hastiness of temper, it is a good and kind 
heart. Come, come, you know it is, Charlotte. 

Mrs. BI. Charlotte again, sir ! 

Cap. Did I say Charlotte ? Quite an accident, my 
dear madam, I assure you. I beg a thousand pardons. 

Mrs. M. I must request that you don't allow such an 
" accident " to occur again ] 

\^She turns from him indignantly — hefolloios her and, 
endeavors to soothe her. 

Mil. [Looking out of door r.] What the deuce has he 
been saying to her 1 She seems affronted with him. 

Mrs. M. Very likely, sir, it may be so; but if you 
repeat it, I shall feel it my duty to consult my husband. 

Mil. \Advancing hastily.^ Confound it, this will never 
do. I must — Mrs. Militant — oh, I forgot, I can't — 

[Checks him.self. 

Cap. There is your husband, madam ; state your case. 
[Mrs. Militant moves towards Militant, and is ahout 
to speak, hict remembers the agreement, checks her- 
self with diffic^ilty, and resii.mes her place. 

Cap. Well, if you won't, I must. [To Militant.] I was 
talking with " your good lady," as the tradespeople say, 
about some alterations which I venture to suggest in the 
flower beds thei-e on the lawn. 

Mrs. M. [Aside.] Monstrous effrontery ! 

Cap. When she said, in a tone which it would have 
done your heart good to hear — [M7's. Militant testifies im- 
patience aside to him — he proceeds without regarding zY.] 
— for, upon my life and soul, I think she must be the 
most affectionate of wives ; " My first duty is to consult 
my husband." — [Mrs. Militant, as hefore, advances to 
Militant, is about to speak, hut checks herself and returns i\ 
This delicate and becoming deference was so completely 



20 WHO SPEAKS FIRST. [AoT I 

in harmony with the anxious wish which you expressed 
just now, to find out, without her knowing it, what 
present she would like best on her next birthday. 

[Militant advances to Mrs. M., and is about to speak, 
hut checks hi/nself, and returns. 

Mil. [Aside.'] Hang the fellow ! 

Cap. That it gives me the sincerest pleasure, even at 
the risk of betraying confidence, to make your mutual 
wishes known to one another. [Militant and Mrs. Mili- 
tant advance as if to speak to each other, but check them- 
selves and return.] How interesting it is to witness this 
mixture of merit and modesty — you can't deny it, you 
won't acknowledge it. But my business is to make you 
better acquainted. I pass over the thousand and one 
glowing colors in which each painted to me the other's 
worth, and come at once to the conclusion, in which you 
severally exclaimed, just as we see the words printed in 
the ensemble part of an operatic duett — 

tio ( ™an ) ui ^ • ( wife." ) 

" Sure never was { > so blest m a < , , j » > 

( woman ) ( husband. ) 

[Militant and Mrs. Militant, both much excited, approach 

the Captain, and are about to speak — he checks them.] 

Stay, stay ! I havn't done ; — and at the end, each said, 

as if one soul animated the two, " I have been hasty, but 

I will go at once, own my folly, and ask forgiveness." 

Mr. and Mrs. M. [ Together.] I never said anything of 
the sort. 

Mil. Oh ! you have spoken. 

Mrs. M. So have you. 

Mil. You spoke first. 

Mrs. M. I did not. 

Cap. Both right and both Wrong — you spoke together. 

Mrs. M. Then it goes for nothing. 

Mil. Agreed. 

Cap. I don't exactly know what "agreed" means 
when people quarrel, but — 

Mil. It is not all necessary that you should, sir. I dare 
say you mean well, but I will take it as a favor if you will 
interfere no farther in my family affairs. 

Mrs. M. I perfectly coincide in that sentiment. I beg 
you'll drop the subject. 

Cap. Certainly, if you wish it, for the future I'm 



Scene I.] 



AVHO SPEAKS FIRST. 21 



dumb ; but as I meant well, you'll give me your hand, 
won't you, in token of foi'giveness. 
Mrs, M. Oh, well — there's my hand. 

[ Turning aioay her head and holding out her hand. 
Cap. [ To Militant.] I say, as I meant well, you'll give 
me your hand. 

Mil. Oh, as far as that goes. 

[ Turns away his head and holds out his hand. Charles 
manages that their hands shall meet. 
Cap. Come, come — one kind shake. [They shake 
ha7ids.] Bravo, bravo ! it's all right ! 

[They turn, and finding they have hold of each othefs 
hand, they let go, and flounce away indignantly. 
Mil. I'm excessively annoyed with you, sir ! 

[Exit into roojn, l. 
Mrs. M. I shall not easily forgive this. 
Cap. Yes you will. 

Mrs. M. I tell you I shall not, and I suppose I know 
myself. 

Cap. All the world supposes that, and nine-tenths of it 
are mistaken. I tell you you zvill forgive me. 

Mrs. M. You'll find it difficult to prove your words. 
Cap. Not the least. You remember your father ? 
Mrs. M. My father ! Bless his kind heart. 
Cap. And your mother 1 

Mrs. M. Shall I ever forget her — dear, kind soul ! 
Cap. I remember them both. 
Mrs. M. You do ? 

Cap. I esteemed, honored, I may say, loved them. 
One word would change their anger, however just, to 
kindness. For their sakes you will forgive me. 

Mrs. M. [Holding both her hands to him.] That I will ! 
Why did you not tell me this before ? 
Cap. I told you you'd forgive me. 
Mrs. M. Freely, freely. 
Cap. [Drawing her towards hi?n.] Bless you ! 

[Kisses her — she screams; at the same moment Mili- 
tant appears door l., Smart l. c. door. Potter r. c. 
door. — Smart screams after her mistress and louder, 
Mrs. M. Monster ! ^ [Rushes off door r. 

Mil. [Advancing.] Scoundrel ! 
Cap. Holloa ! holloa ! Strong expressions ! 



22 WHO SPE ,KS FIRST. [Act I. 

MiL I'll bi'eak every bone in your skin ! 

Cap. Don't be rash, my good friend ; we army men 
have an insuperable objection to being struck. 

Potter. [Getting before Militant.^ Master, dear master, 
pray calm yourself. 

Mil. Stand out of the way, sir. 

Smart. [ To Captain Charles.^ La, sir, how could you 
go to do such a thing 1 I'd rather you'd kissed me 
twenty times. 

Mil. Death and furies, sir ! didn't I see you kiss my wife ? 

Gap. I can't say — I wasn't looking your way. 

Mil. Do you dare to assert that she gave you any en- 
coui'agement % 

Cap. Certainly not. The little event was as unex- 
pected by her as it was unpremeditated by me. 

Mil. Then I demand instant satisfaction. 

Pot. [Asidc^ Anything to calm him. [Aloud.] Perhaps, 
sir, the mistress did give the gentleman some encourage- 
ment. I saw her take hold of both his hands. 

Mil. You did ? Then she shall answer for herself. 

[Going towards her room — Smart gets in his way. 

Smart. Don't believe him, sir — he's as blind as a bat! 
Mistress didn't give him any encouragement : mistress 
would have seen him hanged first. 

Cap. You're a good little girl. 

Mil. And well paid for her services, no doubt. 

Smart. Come, sir, don't you go to take away an honest 
girl's character. 

Mil. Get out with you ; I have matters of more conse- 
quence to attend to. 

Cap. Militant, you are the most ungrateful man living. 
After the way in which I have tried to sei^ve you, too. 

Mil. Was there ever such insufferable coolness ! 

Cap. It's quite necessary that one of us should be cool. 
Look at the passion you are in. 

Mil. Are you ready to fight me, sir ? 

Cap. No. 

Mil. You are an officer in the army, I believe. 

Cap. For that very reason. If my life is worth any- 
thing, it belongs to my country, and I have no right to 
throw it away in a silly duel. 

Mil. Then I'll post you. 



SCEiVE I.] 



WHO SPEAKS FIRST. 2^ 



Cap. If I were a captain in tlie navy instead of the 
armv I sboukl be very much obliged to you for posting 
mc — but never mind, post away — postage is cheap now. 

Mil. You're a coward, sir. 

Cap. No, Vm not; for I have suilicient courage to bear 
your abuse, which I don't deserve, without resenting it. 

Mil. Very fine, I dare soy. Potter. 

Put. Yes, sir. 

?dil. Fetch my pistols. \_Smart screai7is.]^ Hold your 
tongue, you baggage! \SmaTt looks Jiim hard in the face 
and screams harder ; Captain Charles throuis himself into 
a chair.\ Stand aside, you old twaddler, I'll fetch them 
myself. \JEixit door l. 

Smart. I suppose, sir, if you are really a gentleman, 
after the manner in which you have behaved to mistress, 
you won't think of shooting master. 

Cap. Don't be alarmed, child; there's no danger. 

Pot. Isn't there, indeed, sir? La! what pleasant 
hearing ! Then you won't shoot my poor, dear young 
master, but, like a good, kind gentleman, you let him 
shoot you. 

Cap. 1 don't exactly know that. 

Pot. Oh ! do, sir, let him shoot you, and make us all 
happy. 

Enter Militant loith pistols, doort,. 

Mil. Now, sir, follow me. 

Cap. Well, sir, since you insist upon it. \Aside to 
Smart.^ Scream! \^S7nart screams.] Louder! 

[Smart screavis louder. 
Mil. We have no time to lose, sir. 

Cap. I'm quite ready. \Aside to Smart.] Hold me 
back. [Smart pulls at him — he affects to struggle with her^ 
What is the girl about — how strong she is ! [Aside to her. 
Give a jolly good scream, can't you? [Smart screams 
again — Mrs. Militant appears at her door.] That will do. 
[He breaks from Smart, goes to Militant, and takes 
one of the pistols from him. 
Mil. [ Who does not perceive Mrs. Militant.] Come on, 
sir, and you shall soon feel the weight of a husband's 
indignation at an insult offered to a wife he loves. 

[ They arc going off. 



24 WHO SPEAKS FIRST. [Act I. 

Mrs. M. Hold, Ernest. [Goes to him. takes his hand, 
and brings him down the stage.] For mercy's sake, what 
are you going to do? 

Mil. Leave me, Charlotte, this instant. My honor, 
your honor, requires it. But for that girl's screaming all 
vvould have been well. 

Smart. [Aside.] 1 believe I did scream, too. 

Mrs.M. "Well!" Ernest] Is it well that I should 
lose you just when I have learned to value youl Is it 
well that you should risk your life in contest with a 
ivorthless libertine ? 

Cap. Thank you, Charlotte. 

Mrs. M. Silence, sir ! for shame ! [ To Militant.] I 
own myself hasty and wrong, but I never will give you 
cause for anger again. If it were for no other reason — 
and believe me, my chief care is anxiety for you — I 
could not bear the scandal this encounter would give rise 
to. I entreat you to forget the past and leave the future 
to me ? 

Mil. It shall be so, since you wish it ; but why did 
you bring that man into the house 1 

Mrs. M. I, my dear Ernest ! I ? Why did you ? 

Mil. He's 2/our friend. 

Mrs. M. Excuse me, yours. 

Mil. Pray, sir, whose friend are you? 

Cap. Settle it among yourselves — I am not particular. 

Mrs. M. He introduced himself to me as a friend of 
my husband's. 

Mil. And to me as a friend of my wife's. [ To Captain 
Charles.] Your reason, sir, for thus imposing on us ? 

Cap. Nay, you imposed on yourselves. If you hadn't 
been engaged in silly squabbles, and hadn't made a child- 
ish agreement not to speak to one another, you would 
have found me out long ago. 

Mrs. M. [To Militant.] There's too much truth in 
that. 

Mil. No matter, sir ; it appears that you are an 
impostor : you will, therefore, be pleased to leave the 
house this instant. 

Cap. Well, that's civil, at any rate ! Don't you meav 
to ask me to dinner ? 

Mil. Begone, sir ! 



Scene I.] WHO SPEAKS FIRST. 25 

Cap. Upon my soul! you are two of the most ungrate- 
ful people I ever met with in my life. I came here to 
pass a few days with you — I found you at loggerheads — 
you hadn't spoken for a week, you mightn't for a month. 
X set you all right, and now you propose to kick me out. 

Mrs. M. I trust, sir, there will be no occasion for vio- 
lence, but the comfort of a family, into which you have 
somewhat strangely intruded yourself, requires your im- 
mediate departure. Go, therefore, but peaceably; for, 
rude as a part of your conduct has been, 1 must confess 
that we are, in some soit, indebted to you. 

Cap. Well, you arc more polite than your pugnacious 
husband there, I must say, and since you wish it, I'll go ; 
but you admit that you're indebted to me? 

Mrs. M. I do. 

Cap. Then, perhaps, before I go, you would like to 
settle the little account. 

3Irs. M. I should prefer anything, sir, to remaining 
under obligation to a stranger. 

CajK Then give us another kiss. 

Mrs. M. Wretch ! 

[Militant is about to rush on him — Mrs. Militant in- 
terposes. 

Mil. Nothing on earth but my promise to ray wife 
saves you from personal chastisement. 

Cap. Don't apologize, I beg ; so that I do escape, I'm 
not curious about the reason. 

Mil. But you're whole conduct proves you to be a 
disgrace to the honorable profession to which you belong, 
and my opinion is that your coat ought to be stripped off 
your back. 

Cap. Is that your deliberate opinion ? [Going to him. 

Mil. It is. 

Cap. Then here it goes. [Takes off his coat and throws 
it down — Militant and Mrs. Militant express surprise and 
disgust.^ Perhaps you think I deserve to lose my waist- 
coat also. [Takes that off and throws it down. 

Mrs. M. What in the world is the man about? 

Cap. Anything more ? 

Mrs. M. Militant, Militant, stop him ! 

[Militant advances. 

Cap. Oh ! come, Mrs. Charlotte, I can stand anything 



26 WHO SPEAKS FIRST. [AcT I. 

but affectation. [Militant pauses.] Do you mean to say 
that you never saw me without my coat and waistcoat 
before. 

Mil. Charlotte, what does this mean 1 
Mrs. M. How should I knowl [To Captain Charles.] 
Never, you very wicked man !' 

Cap. I'll be hanged, if women don't beat men foi' 
effrontery! The next thing you'll say is that I never saw 
you in your night-cap. 

[Mrs. Militant gives an exclamation of horror. 
Mil. This is too monstrous ! Potter, give me one of 
those pistols, and if he don't instantly fly, I'll commit 
manslaughter. 

Cap. My dear fellow, you're so dreadfully hasty ! 
Suppose, now, your wife were to confess to you that all 
I have asserted is true — what then 1 

Mil. Then, sir, I would cast her off forever. 
Cap. Spoken like a man. [To Mrs. Militant.] One 
word with you, if you please, in private ? 
Mrs. M. Not for worlds. 
Mil. Charlotte, I insist upon it. 
Mrs. M. Then I obey. 

[Retires up the stage tvith Captain Charles ■— he 
u-Jdspers to her, she v)hispers to him, he whispers to 
hrr again; she starts, gives an exclamation of 
delight, and is ah out to rush into his arms — he 
checks her, and points to Militant. 
Mil. [Observing them — Aside.] Ha! what can this 
mean 1 

[They return — Captain Charles leading her hy the 
hand. 
Cap. Now, sir, ask her. 

[He resumes his coat and waistcoat. 
Mil. I am ashamed to do so, but, to make all clear — 
Charlotte, is this true % 

Mrs. M. Perfectly ! [Militant starts.] These allowable 
and natural familiarities — 

Mil. Natural ! — I shall go mad ! 

Mrs. M. Have passed between me and my long-absent 
brother — 

Cap. [Taking off his wig.] Captain George Mont- 
gomery, at your service. 



SciLVK I. WHO SPEAKS FIRSI. 27 

3Iil. My brother-in-law ! 

Cap. Exactly! Whom your violence was near changing 
to a brother-a^-law. [T/ici/ shal<c hands.] Now, Charlotte, 
I'll trouble you for the kiss I talked about. [ 7'Ac7/ embrace. 

Pot. My young master come home to England ! Oh ! 
Smart, dear Smart ! 

[Tries to embrace her'— she avoids him; they come 
down R. and l. 

Smart. Go along with you, do. 

Mil. You will not wonder that I, who never saw you, 
should not know you, but it seems to be a wise sister 
that doesn't know her own brother. 

Cap. Fifteen years abroad had so altered me that I 
didn't expect she would — but, to make all sure, I disguised 
myself. I landed two days ago at Portsmouth, heard that 
my dear sister Charlotte was married — learned from a 
friend that she and her husband — 

Mrs. M. [Literrujyting Jiim,] Lived here. 

Cap. Well, yes ; — and resolved to see and judge for 
myself. You know the rest. 

Pot. [Advanci?ig.] And do I see Master George once 
more ? 

Cap. [Shakivg hands toit.h, hi7n.\ Ancient Potter, you 
do ; and now, what can I do to make you amends for 
all the tricks I used to play you 1 Is there anything 
you want 1 

Pot. Yes, Master George. 

Cap. What is itl 

Pot. A wife. Master George. " • [All laugh. 

Cap. That's the last want I should have suspected 
you of. Have you fixed upon anybody ? 

Pot. Yes ; oh, yes, Master George. 

Cap. Who may it be ] 

Pot. Smart, Master George. 

Cap. And who is Smart % 

Smart. [Coming forward.] I am, if you please, s^r. 

Cap. You ! [ To Potter.] Why, she's not more than 
twenty, and you are seventy. 

Pot. Yds, sir; but once maiTied, all things in common 
— united ages ninety — average forty-five. 

Cap. Bravo, old Potter. 1 declare, love has sharpened 
your wits. 



28 WMO SPEAKS FIRST. [Act I. 

Pot. Yes, Master George. 

Cap, [To Smart.] Do you know any just cause or 
impediment 1 

Smart. Yes, Master Greorge ; I forbid the banns. 

Pot. On what ground 1 

Smart. A woman may not marry her grandfather. 

[All laugh. 

Mil. [To Captain Charles. \ And now, \ do ask you to 
dinner. 

Cap. And you won't quarrel about whose friend I 
am ? 

Mrs. M. You have proved yourself a true friend of 
both. But, I say, George — 

Gap. What? 

Mrs. M. You won't quiz us ? 

Cap. Not I. I am too happy that you have come to a 
right understanding. The course of marriage seems to 
be this :^In courtships, deception on both sides — during 
the honeymoon, an over-anxiety to give way on both 
sides — that over, there comes a struggle for the mastery 
on both sides — an insane game, at which, if either win, 
both lose. Mutual concession is the golden medium, and 
that, I trust, you have now found out. Am I not right ? 
If you doubt, ask your friends. [Leading Tier towards the 
audience.] If they don't approve, I havn't another word 
to say; if they do, I'll repeat my advice as often as it 
may be asked for. " Who speaks first ]" 

DISPOSITION OF THE CHARACTERS AT THE FALL OF THE 
CURTAIN. 

MRS. MILITANT. CHARLES. MILITANT. 

POTTER. SMART. 

n. R. C. C. L. C. L. 

THE END. 



